I thought I was hip, I thought I was cool…I mean not compared to Alicia Keys…or Bristol Palin…but in my own mind. It didn’t occur to me that other people look at me and think, “That one there’s a mom.” But it turns out they vehemently do think that. Why? Because I act exactly like a mom. I never realize it until I’ve been shamed. Like I asked the boy’s friend to do an “Up high, down low, too slow” high five maneuver.
He was like, “Bitch, I ain’t 3!”
One day I put on a pair of new jeans and showed me to the boy, “How does this look?” I asked real proud. He goes, “Put on some Converses and we’ll talk.” I have Converses! But they hurt my feet since I ruined my arches. See? Only something a mom would say!
I do a comedy podcast about food with my old friend Doug Benson – what’s it called? Oh, Dining with Doug and Karen and I constantly ask him how come he won’t eat more vegetables? What do I care? He could snort bath salts all day and I wouldn’t… is that what the kids are doing now…snorting my Mother’s Day presents?
Here’s a list of things I say daily: Did you brush your teeth? Did you flush the toilet? Did you wash your hands? And here’s a list of things I say to my kids… (somebody get me on Ferguson!)
I really do know that I’m a Mother. I’m well aware. What happened to me was, I read the comments about Dining with Doug and Karen and they are so nice because of all Doug’s stoner fans, but one baked guy said, “It’s like Doug is talking to someone’s mom.” And before I could process the second “m” in “mom”, I became light headed and my life flashed before my twitter feed. Of course, this shouldn’t bother me at all. I mean, whenever the baby or that behemoth of a boy calls me Karen instead of Mom, I say, “No, fools! My name’s Mommy!” But it was as if the stoner said, “It’s like Doug is talking to Karen Anderson’s mom.” Oh, no. Oh, yes.
Here’s the evolution of me morphing into my mom. “I mean I’m like…and I was all…dude…seriously…soooo…alrighty…looking forward…I will…I will…let him know…okay Carol…very good then!” It’s for real.
Now that I’ve settled down and the dreams have stopped, I can look at my response to all of this with Oprah-like pragmatism. Be your O-self, be a mOm, clean yOur rOOm.